All This Feels Strange and Untrue

My primary school maths teacher taught us what I found to be key in solving all unknowns in the equations. That we start from the known going to the unknown. I didn't know I took that as a life lesson until I typed the sentence, 'l don't sleep much' as the opening to this post. The fact that I don't sleep much is a badly kept secret. Anyway, I slept early today,  just after midnight and I congratulated myself for going to sleep at a decent hour. It is in this state of semi-conscious self congratulatory speech giving that I drifted to a peaceful sleep and all of a sudden I was experiencing a turn of events that my conscious self figured as unreal but I was unable, and perhaps unwilling, to stop them. Not because this dream was pleasant. Quite the contrary, it was unpeaceful, quite a departure from the state I drifted to sleep in. And I observed this turn of events, as if on a screen that was being slid after each scene. And then slowly, I regained full consciousness but that semi conscious dream has left me with this weird feeling that I am trying to shake out, with little success.

The title of this post is from the song Open your Eyes by Snow Patrol.

Just don't ever make me Promises

Under the heading New and Noteworthy, my kindle has the book Bliss and the Art of Forever by Alison Kent and it has been under this heading for the past several weeks and it makes me wonder if the Amazon people don't have other books to advertise to me. I have never clicked the link to the book to see what the book is about, so maybe my distaste, based solely on the title, of the book could be premature. I might read it and find it very interesting. I don't believe in forevers. Especially blissful forevers. And this could be the reason why the presence of the book and the fact that Amazon has decided to put it there makes me resent them.

Now, you may think I am very cynical. I am not. I don't believe in forever. That doesn't mean I don't believe in the longevity of love. I do. I also believe in the uncertainty of tomorrows. This is what makes life worth living. Looking forward to a tomorrow in which you don't know what might happen. True, sometimes all we do is breath, sometimes we meet people we never knew existed, sometimes our tomorrow is just a replica of our today and yesterday. But in all these, there is always an element of surprise invisible to those who don't look closely. That is why I believe the concept of forever as a destination is a misguided one. The heart, with which we trust our love and decisions of our future love lives, is very fickle, it changes it's mind for reasons we might never understand- if you can explain the human heart, maybe we should be friends. I am usually very wary of people who promise each other forevers, and forever being nearly not long enough for them to be together.

Forever as a journey, though, is a concept I am willing to explore. Taking each day in stride, acknowledging that sometimes when we talk about our dreams for the future, what we are doing is not necessarily crafting a lifetime together, or trying to accommodate each other in the dreams we had before our paths crossed.  What we are doing may be preparing ourselves for our eventual parting. But that doesn't have to mean that we shouldn't enjoy the present. The present that has brought us together and which prepares us for the future that may or may not include each other. So when I say don't ever make me promises, it doesn't mean that I don't want a future with you. What it means is that I am enjoying you today, with the hope that I will still enjoy you tomorrow, but I am taking each day as it comes.

The title of this post is from the song Promises Promises by Incubus.

Get into My Ear: Mess is Mine by Vance Joy

https://youtu.be/1C816p-KTNk

Ever since I heard Vance Joy's Mess is Mine playing on the radio, I knew it was a special song, but I couldn't point out what made this song particularly special. Until last night. I was trying to clear the mess that had piled up, dirty clothes, folding up the clean laundry, taking the books from my bed and floor when this song came on the radio. I had to stop for the entire time the song played and was awed by the absolute perfection of this song.

I always tell myself that the reason I am single, and the reason my past relationships haven't worked is because I haven't met someone who when I invite them to my house, and attempt an embarrassed laugh telling them sorry for the mess just to seem as a good hostess (yet in real sense I am not sorry, I am never sorry for the state of my room, whether it is neat or the opposite of neat) they will look at me so lovingly and tell me that my mess is theirs. I think that is what true romance is about- claiming my mess as yours.

Favourite Lyrics

Do you like walking in the rain?
When you think of love, do you think of pain?
You can tell me what you see
I will choose what I believe

Bring me to your house
And tell me, "Sorry for the mess"
Hey, I don't mind
You're talking in your sleep
All the time
Well, you still make sense to me
Your mess is mine

Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine
Your mess is mine

My Imagination's Taking Me Away

I had my last class today. A class that was four hours long. I am not exaggerating, the class started at 11 and went on till 3. On my way to the said class, I met one of my professors who told me that he couldn't believe that we were finally completing our Bachelors. I had to indulge him in his disbelief that I couldn't imagine it either. What I should have told him, instead, is that I have been imagining this day since my freshman year. I should have told him that I have spent four calender years waiting for this day. I should have told him that I have imagined several different scenarios about how this ending was going to shape out and none of those imagined scenarios are shaping out as I imagined. But. I have lived this moment over and over, albeit in my head. No one can take those moments away from me. And right now, when it's physically here, so close I can almost taste it, I don't feel different. It's just another opportunity for me to relive this phase through, only now, other people are involved. People who keep asking me how I feel, to finally finish school, to finally grow up, to finally have a life. And I wonder, what does it mean to live?

I have talked about my strong dislike for beginnings before. Losing the sights of the familiar ground and having my eyes set on the unknown, every step I take feels uncertain. My legs are wobbly, either that or the ground I am walking on is not strong enough. I feel myself drifting from this side, this familiar side to the other side, the unknown side. Throughout this process of transition, I am buoyed around; and this buoyancy leaves me with a pleasant feeling. Every time I feel like I am sinking, I am pushed upwards by this buoyant force. It's not happiness. No, not really. Though I can't rule it out. It's more of a hopeful feeling, a hope so strong I can barely stand it. I want to get inside this feeling, crawl inside it and never come out. I want to tell everyone I meet about it, but words fail me, because what would I say?

I imagine the possibilities, the myriad of opportunities. I imagine my own place, to finally make Virginia Woolf proud by getting a room of my own. Sidebar, I must have talked about my posthumous love for Woolf? Oh, and travel. I know, a job would hinder how much I travel. But I am happy to no longer have to have my years characterised by semesters, my social activities will not be planned around classes. And friends. I know the challenge of making friends outside of a school institution especially for a person with introverted tendencies, but I am looking forward to see how other people's perspectives towards life affect their opinions.

I feel like a little wild bird. And wild things are free.

The title of this post is from the song Alligator Sky by Owl City.