Get into My Ear: Red by Taylor Swift

Watch "Taylor Swift - Red" on YouTube

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was obsessed with the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisely. I asked him why he really liked the song and he confessed that it was his break up song. I fully understand that break ups are hard, whether it was a long time coming, or you were caught by surprise, a break up is a break up, and it still hurts like hell. Which is why, after some time (okay, a long time) after I broke up with my significant other, I find myself putting Red on repeat.

Whether you like Taylor Swift or not, you will agree with me that all her songs are relatable. And Red is no exception.

Favourite Lyrics:

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favourite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword puzzle and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes,
Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head, burning red
Loving him was red.

I don't believe that I am still hung up on my ex, but there is something about this song; it slowly grows on you and before you know it, you know all the lyrics and it just can't go away. You tell yourself that you have to listen to it just one more time.

Idiosyncratic Hedonist Turns One

Once upon a year ago, I was sitting in a Personality Psychology class on a Thursday afternoon. I had taken up a writing job and was a little behind on completing a 10 page assignment so I had to work on it during my lunch hour if I was to meet the deadline. By the time I was done, I was one hour late for my class, and being one not to miss any of my classes, I went for this one and sat at the back of the class. I had wanted to start a blog for quite some time and had come up with several names including; Off-kilter, Lone ranger, Effant terrible, Outlandish among many others that just didn't feel quite right. During this class, the lecturer was busy teaching about Freud and his psychosexual explanation of personality. Having studied Sigmund Freud in other units, I was grateful that I wasn't really floating. Out of nowhere, she digressed and started talking about bipolar disorder, and how bipolar patients do what they want. And she explained their behaviour as hedonistic. And that was it. I had gotten the name of my blog from such an unlikely source. It is not that I am bipolar, but I think I tend to do things for the simple reason that it feels right. The idiosyncratic part is because everyone thinks they are weird in some way or the other, and it is normal to be weird.

I was super excited that day because finally what was an idea was going to materialize into reality. After the class I was tempted to skive my Quantitative Analysis class and start my blog, but decided against it. Throughout the class I kept checking the clock and wondering when 8:30 would reach so I could start this thing already. Anyway, that day the universe was set on derailing me because it rained heavily and the traffic was out of this world. It usually took me 30 minutes from Madaraka to town and that day it took me an hour. So getting home was a problem. To cut the long story short, I arrived home at 11. I was tired and had lots of things to do. At around half past midnight, the excitement on starting the blog had died. And now I was torn between doing my homework or doing research for my writing assignment. I went with the homework but when I was done, I couldn't sleep so decided to get done with the blog thing. And that's how Idiosyncratic Hedonist came into existence. People usually ask how I came up with such a name and so I hope I have explained.

Anyway, when I started this, I was so busy even during the weekends that even sleeping felt like work. So this was a place where I could write about anything and everything to get my mind off work and school. My posting was not consistent because of lack of time but this place was sort of special. Because Idiosyncratic Hedonist is me. What I post here is 100% true. One year is what this has been, I can't believe how time flies. And because I don't tell people when its my birthday, I think it is only fair for people to know that Idiosyncratic Hedonist has turned one.

What Will be in your Mix Tape?

I am currently reading Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. This is the second book by Picoult that I am reading and I gotta say that I love her style and she is a wonderful story teller. Have you ever, when reading, paused and wondered how the author came to know you so well because the characters are so authentic? Jodi Picoult makes me stop to really appreciate her, so you bet all her books are on my to-be-read list. Plus I voted for her book in the Goodreads awards, even though I haven't read the book yet, but I am sure it won't disappoint me once I read it. I know I say this about all the books that I read, but Jodi Picoult makes me stay up all night because I find it hard to put her books down.

So in Sing You Home, Zoe, who is a music therapist says that you get to know someone on the basis of what songs they put in their mixed tape to describe their lives. Her ex husband Max used to like country music and his favourites were mainly about lost love or the woman leaving the man and such like stuff. In the end, Max files for divorce. I am not trying to be superstitious or anything, but I think that Zoe should have seen this coming, that was one clear red flag.

I have done a little Psychology in school and I believe this to be true, the little things we do are a manifestation of our unconscious and subconscious trying to appear on the surface. A friend of mine told me the other day that his favourite song at this time is Whiskey Lullaby and after reading  Sing You Home, I am wondering, should I have reason to worry about him.

Anyway, sometimes I do something and someone will say something like they didn't think I am one to do things 'like that'. I have come up with a list of artists who would feature in my mix tape, so that those who don't know me, may see beyond the gray. Just like Vannessa, I couldn't choose any particular songs, but you will get an idea of who I really am.

Lady Gaga- This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I can't help but love all Gaga's songs; from Judas to Bloody Mary, from Bad Romance to Stuck on Fucking You and from Born This Way to Applause.

Dido- I was still in high school when I first heard White Flag. I looked for her whole album and I couldn't convince any of my friends to listen to her, they said her songs are slow and melancholy. But I don't care, I love Dido.

Breaking Benjamin- There is something about this guys that is out of this world. They sing with so much emotion. Give Me a Sign in particular saw me through a very difficult period in my life.

Florence and the Machine- I love Florence Welch. Whatever she sings is bound to be a favourite of mine. Shake it Out, Never Let Me Go, Cosmic Love, Dog Days are Over you name them.

Snow Patrol- There is something about this band that is extra ordinary. Plus I think Chasing Cars is the best love song ever written.

Mettalica- Mettalica will always be a favourite of mine. Their collaboration with Lou Reed made me love them even more.

Anna Nalick- There is a line in 2 am that says 'These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to'.

If I continue to describe each artist I will never finish. So here are more of those who will not miss in that mix tape; Lana Del Rey, Tracy Chapman, Within Temptation, Indigo Girls,Pink, The Script, Bon Jovi, The Beatles, The Cranberries, Counting Crows, Lacuna Coil, Demi Lovato, Mylie Cyrus, Nina Sky, Chevelle, Hunter Hayes, Linking Park, Radiohead, HIM, The National and Joan Jett.

Telling Stories

The initial title of this post was 'The Stories We Tell' but I later changed it to the current one because I was listening to Tracy Chapman while typing and when Telling Stories came on, I decided to publish a post in her honour because she is awesome like that. Anyway, I started reading The Way Life Should Be by Christina Baker Kline this morning while taking breakfast. I am still on the first few chapters but I love the book already. I love characters like Angela who make me feel like if they were real, we would totally be bffs because we have so many things in common. I read somewhere, I forget where, that you know its real platonic love when you are having a conversation with a prospective friend when she says something and you exclaim, 'Me too!' and when you pee together. Okay, that peeing part is a little creepy.

Anyway, the moment I met Angela, which was on the first page, I could totally see us peeing together. I was like, 'Oh My God, why are you fictitious coz I can see us having brunch on Sundays and catching up over drinks after work, or having lunch together ( maybe she is one of the ladies who lunch, I am not sure yet, but I will find out soon coz I have a late night date with her for the next two nights).

This instant connection was further enhanced when she decided to call the guy from Maine and in her head she already had the story she would tell her grandchildren four decades later on how grandma and grandpa met. This idea of creating stories for you to tell them later is what made me think that Angela and I are similar. But unlike her, my stories are for a wholly different reason. I tell myself that maybe I should attend event 'x' so that I have a story to tell my friends when we next meet. I tell myself to read one more book so that when I meet someone new, we just might get a common ground to start story telling. I tell myself that I should create time and watch that new film or tv series, so that I have something to contribute when we start talking about what's new on tv. And I get to tell these stories; my lunch dates go from 1pm to 7 in the evening! I always say that I will marry the person whom I can to talk to the whole night till 9 am.

I live for stories. I live through the books that I read. And each day is an opportunity to create a new story. It is therefore up to us to choose the type of story we want. We may choose to have a cliche story that will bore you to tears or you may choose to create stories where you as the main character will embrace your idiosyncracies and live hedonistically without guilt. And to me that's one story that I would love to tell on my death bed.

Get Into My Ear: Royals by Lorde

Watch "LORDE - Royals" on
YouTube

Maybe its because everyone loves a woman who can rap; or maybe (I know I say this a lot) the lyrics are about me, but for whatever reason, I like, no scratch that, love this song.

For someone so young, Lorde has incredible talent and her voice is to die for. I love her. I mean, in my book, she is almost close to Lady Gaga on the women I love.

Anyway, these are the lyrics I like, I almost wrote the whole song!

We don't care, we're driving cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody is like crystal, maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

We are bigger than we ever dreamed
And I am in love with being queen

And we'll never be royals
It don't run in our blood
That kind of luxe just ain't for us
We crave a different kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule
Let me live that fantasy.

My Worst Fears

The title of this post is inspired by the song My Worst Fear by Rascal Flatts. Which reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week when she told me that I read too much into ordinary things. This was after I had given her the best advise ever, if I say so myself, based on an episode of The Mindy's Project. In my defense, I told her that I am just practising mindful living and this means finding depth in the most shallow of places or being inspired by the most mundane of things. But, I digress.

I read a blog post over the weekend about a woman's trepidation about being a fashion blogger, and one of her fears was that she might meet one of her readers in real life and they might tell her that she looks younger and better on her photos than in real life. But she is allowed to feel that way. I have read so many times that our emotions are real and we should allow ourselves to feel them. On that note, here are some of my fears in no particular order because I can't decide which is worse:

#1. I once got one of those forwarded emails about this young man who burnt to death after his bedding caught fire while he was watching a film on his laptop while lying in bed. For a whole week after reading that frightening email, I kept my laptop away from my bed, the couch, my laps, just anything that would catch fire. But that was impractical, so I went back to using my laptop on these places but I never fall asleep when using it, no matter how tired I am.

#2. Another forwarded email that scared me out of my wits and continues to cause me endless anxiety was about this woman who got second degree burns on her face after making her tea using the microwave. I don't remember what exactly caused her to burn but that was enough to keep me away from the microwave for a few days before my dislike for cooking surpassed this fear. Needless to say, I use it with so much trepidation and I always have my heart in my hand whenever there is a popping sound inside the microwave.

#3. This one is a relatively new fear. Ever since I learned about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in details in my Abnormal Psychology class last semester, I have been noticing these little symptoms that could only be diagnosed as a mild form of OCD. But these are things that I used to do in the past and thought of them as normal; like checking my money and phone whenever I board a matatu ( pick-pockets are real in Nairobi), or checking the door twice or thrice to see if I have locked it every time I am home alone. Whenever I catch myself doing these seemingly normal and routine tasks, I can't help but fear that I might be developing a mental disorder. And as if that is not enough, the professor emphasized on the fact that most mental disorders develop between the ages of 17 and 25. I shudder when I think about it.

#4. Another effect of taking Psychology at the university is that it made me babyphobic. This is crazy, I know, but ever since I did Psychology of Human Development, I find that babies scare me. Sitting through that three hour class every Friday afternoon for three whole months was pure torture as the lecturer enjoyed himself talking about every single thing that could go wrong during pregnancy  and describing in minute details how painful labour really is. I endured that class and celebrated after I did my last paper. But these days when I see a baby I do not see as cute as a button little thing. Instead, I see a little creature that is capable of causing so much pain and even death.

#5. I don't remember exactly what I stole when I was a kid, I am sure it wasn't cake because I was allergic, but whatever it was, I swallowed wrong and I choked. I mean that type of choking that brings tears to your eyes and you feel like you can't breath. After that horrendous ordeal, I am always very careful when I eat, especially when I am alone. I am even learning to do first aid to myself, because every time I so much as cough while eating, I have this vivid memory of myself choking those many years ago, and that memory is disquieting.

#6. In China, those women who are not married by the age of twenty seven are called 'left-over' women. Okay, I am neither 27 nor do I live in China but I can't help but think that if I were, I would be a left-over woman. Hell, I think I will be one of those cat women, just without a cat. But, for some weird reason, this thought is not as scary as the other fears.

There are other major fears that I couldn't bring myself to write them down, but as I once wrote here, Lady Gaga's quote on shooting fear helps me in dealing with them. I also read a quote somewhere that fear is only an illusion, but love is real. I don't quite understand it but it'll do.

"All that ever holds somebody back, I think, is fear. For a minute I had fear. (Then) I went to the (dressing) room and shot my fear in the face..."
Lady Gaga

Letting Go and Grabbing Hold

My views on love usually vary depending on how well my life is going at the time. At this point, I do feel like I need to explain that this does not mean whether am in a romantic relationship or not; because I have been single for a long time now. A few weeks ago, I didn't believe in love. I was so cynical about it and a little if not very skeptical of marriage. I had many arguments with my friends on this issue, and I being the opinionated bitch that I am, refused to see the other people's point of view. The fact that I held the exact same views with them some time back did not matter.

Then I read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd and my views changed. I loved August Boatwright's take on life, her kindness, her wisdom and everything that she is. In fact, I would love to have half the knowledge she has when I grow up. While talking to Lily one day, she asked her what she loves. Lily went on explaining how she loves writing, the colour blue, Rosaleen, bees, honey and peanuts with her Coke. August told her then that there are 32 words for love in one of the Eskimo languages ( I am yet to ascertain the validity of that, for my own benefit and for you as well dear reader; I am sorry I am a lazy ass blogger). She said that English is so limited, Lily had to use the same word for loving Rosaleen as she does for loving Coke with peanuts. This limitation, I assume, is because English as a language gives the word love a high level of importance.

The same day I finished reading the book, I read a blog post where the writer had written a letter to her future significant other telling them that she had already found love in little things like washing dishes, doing yoga on a sandy beach and the most important the love of the Universe. All she was waiting for was the person to appear, and if they didn't, she already had love.

After reading that, I had what is called a light bulb moment. This year has been a little hard for me, I have been going through some issues, and reading the blog post helped a bit. One of the issues was love, again I need to clarify that I am not talking about romantic love. I decided that I had to look at love in a new light. For someone who has the name 'beloved' permanently tattooed on her body, this had to be done sooner rather than later. And that's exactly what I did. I let go of my cynicism about love, I let go of the idea that there is a type of love that is superior than others. Instead, I held on to the fact that indeed there is a thing called love, which is very important for us humans if we are to grow and develop spiritually. I even made a list of the things I love, (I love lists). So here are some of the things I love:

1. My parents and siblings
2. Strong black coffee ( I take close to six cups a day)
3. Diet Coke
4. My tattoo
5. Nail polish
6. Books
7. Orange is the New Black ( I can't wait for the next season)
8. Rock music
9. Scents; perfumes, scented lotion, scented candles
10. Reading, did I mention I love books?

Get Into My Ear: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

Watch "Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [Official Music Video]" on YouTube

There are certain things in life that we don't need the opinion of other people to do or not to. I think that's the best advice I've ever had. So I guess it is safe to say that this song changed my life. That was a few years ago when I first started listening to metal ( best decision ever).

And now, I find myself having this song on repeat for two reasons:
1. As I interact with more and more people, I meet people who don't share my point of view and others may try to change me;
2. I have started having an interest in poetry ( typical of a Gemini) and for the life of me, I don't understand why the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley reminds me of this song.

Favourite Lyrics

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

The whole song actually speaks to me. This is one of those songs that feels new each and every time I listen to it.

My July Play List

It is only the fifth of July but during this past week, I've had the following songs on repeat, and I assume it will be the same for this whole month.

1. (Breathe) 2 AM by Anna Nalick
Cause you can't jump the track, we are like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe...just breathe

2. People Like Us by Kelly Clarkson
Hey, this is not a funeral
It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage

3. I want Crazy by Hunter Hayes
But I don't want good and I don't want good enough
I want can't sleep, can't breath without you love

4. Carry On by Fun
Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

5. 22 by Taylor Swift
We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
Its miserable and magical, oh yeah

6. Sweater Weather by Neighbourhood
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds

7. Heaven Nor Hell by Volbeat
Well I've heard that the devil is walking around
I sold my soul way down in the dirt
But I stole it back and forever in debt

8. Let Her Go by Passenger
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
Coz dreams come slow and they go fast

9. Heart Attack by Demi Lovato
The feelings are lost in my lungs
They're burning I'd rather be numb
And there's no one else to blame
So scared I take off in a run
And flying too close to the sun
And bursting to flames

10. Here's To Never Growing Up by Avril Lavigne
When the sun's going down we'll be raising our cups
Singing here's to never growing up

Get Into My Ear: Carry On By Fun

Watch "Fun.: Carry On [OFFICIAL VIDEO]" on YouTube

Whenever this song comes on radio, I stop whatever I am doing and sing along to it. It is a slow song so dancing to it is almost impossible. But then again it wasn't meant to be a club song. This is an emotional song that speaks to me each and every time I listen to it.

I totally relate to this song so much that I almost feel as if it was specifically sang for me. These are words that were taken right out of my mouth, only that they were said far much better than I would have.

Favourite Lyrics

Though I have never been through hell like that, I have closed enough windows to know you can never look back.

But I like to think I can cheat at all, to make up for the times I have been cheated on. And it's nice to know, when I was left for dead, I was found and now I don't roam the streets, I am not the ghost you are to me.

This is the soundtrack of my life right now.

I Always Wanted Words

A new friend of mine asked me the other day why I don't post my photos on Facebook. I told him that I am a private person and so I don't like sharing my life with 'friends' that I don't even know. I also told him that lately I don't log on to Facebook often enough to upload photos. He accepted my reasons as legitimate and so we quickly changed the topic of our conversation.

Later that day on my way home, I remembered that conversation and I realized that my answer was not entirely true. I tried to remember the last time I took a photo of myself and the realization that it has, in fact, been several months shocked me. For a moment there I almost regretted having not taken a photo of my everyday life to show my transformation from a teenage girl to a young woman. Then I remembered how hypocritical and phony photos are and I instantly felt better that I didn't have images of me in a counterfeit pose, fictitious smile( that I worked too hard to make it appear real) in a very spurious background all over cyber space.

Well, I pushed that conversation out of my conscious thoughts though honestly, it was skirting at the periphery of my subconscious begging my attention. And so today, at the ungodly hour of 3 am, while catching up with some reading, I had what Oprah would call an A-HA moment. The (real) reason why I don't take photos of me every fleeting moment is because I have always wanted words. And that probably explains why I religiously write on my journal every single day. Its like I need something that will remind me of my glorious youth without the indecision and hypocrisy of taking a photo. I need something authentic that I can hang on to. And words do exactly that. While a photo will show only a facade of what's on the outside, words have a way of stripping me naked and bring to surface every fleeting emotion, forcing me to acknowledge each emotion as valid.

That sudden realization explains some of my idiosyncracies, like the fact that I firmly believe that every moment of silence should be filled with music; and not just music but music with meaningful lyrics. And this goes on to explain why I only have to listen to a certain song and the memories will come right back, and with so much intensity. Or the fact that every available free time I have will find me devouring words, whether mine or other people's, and trying to relate them to my life at the moment. And it also explains why I always wonder what I do with my hands when I don't have a book with me. I guess the hedonist in me has always demanded that I have to want and need words.

On Being A Weirdo

On an episode of The New Normal Shania tells Brian Collins that she is a weirdo and she doesn't like it. Brian tells her that that is a stupid, short sighted wish. He tells her that the most unique parts of us are the ones that are gonna take us to greatness. I do agree with this since I am also a weirdo.

I actually didn't think I was weird until one of my friends pointed it out. I asked her to explain and she came up with a list of things that characterize my behavior, which according to her, are not characteristics of normal people. I did not take offence in her sentiments because abnormal is the new normal.

I am proud of being a weirdo. I like the fact that I don't mind going to a coffee shop and having my favorite beverage alone. I love the fact that I have more books than friends. I like the fact I eat weird combinations of food because I don't like cooking. I also love that I can relate any life situation to a random rock song and the fact that every word reminds me of a rock song. I could go on about my weird characteristics but I think those are enough.

My point is, I am a quirky little weirdo and I like it. I mean really, I am the girl with a blog called Idiosyncratic Hedonist!!

Unwonted Quote

Life is weird, and yes let's admit it, kinda miraculous. You grow up wanting a certain kind of life, a dream of a life, but by the time you get there, that life is gone. You have to make your own life, and you have to make it your own way. Everyone goes through this. Everyone settles for less than they wanted and everyone gets a little more than they bargained for.
Michelle Ang as Sophia Swanson in Underemployed

Rocking My Amazing World

Watch "Family of the Year - Hero (Acoustic Official)" on YouTube

True, Raw and Random...

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On Friendships...

New Blog

New blog, True, Raw and Random