It's 2 Am and I am Still Awake

I made a conscious decision (yesterday) at 2300hrs to go to sleep. But I had a journal to write, a phone call to make and a couple of texts to reply which turned to several. An hour later and I was done with everything, so I could finally sleep, except that I couldn't. I didn't know that I would ever say this, but I wished that I had an exam tomorrow (today) because my mind was so alert I could understand astrophysics if I tried to. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes and tried  to sleep.

It's now two hours later and I have given up on sleep, you can only pretend for so long. I decided to wake up and read. But my mind has refused. So I am far too tired of counting sheep, but not tired enough to fall asleep. When everything fails, what does an insomniac do at 2 am?

I try to think about Kenya, and how maybe, just maybe I could come up with a solution to bad governance and corruption. I fail miserably. I tell myself that maybe that's too big a thought for 2 in the morning. So I decide that maybe thinking about my dreams- my dream job, house, partner and a dog ( I am not a dog person). But that's the picture of a perfect family and I force my mind to conjure up that image. But that is also an exercise in futility. Because no insomniac thinks about bad governance or hopes and dreams at 2 in the freaking morning.

All we do is think about the past. The mistakes that we made that are still haunting us. Hindsight is at its best, and we see that the worst mistakes we ever did were out of love. In retrospect, we analyze what we should have done differently, what we could have said or not said. We regret not doing certain things. We entertain thoughts that we've always kept in the dark recesses of our minds, those thoughts that we dare not tell anyone, yet they are the ones that make us truly happy. We relieve the happiest moments of our lives and wish we could have them back.

At 2 am, we think about our past romantic relationships. The texts that we didn't reply. The phone calls that we didn't make. The lies that we told. The secrets that we shared. We think about the wrong people that we fell for. We regret not having walked away sooner. We also remember the good souls that we hurt with our words, the time that we didn't give them yet they loved us to death.

At 2 am, we think about ourselves, we feel guilty, we laugh at our mistakes and sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep.

The title of this post is from the song Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

This post is 19 days late, but I have an explantation for my lateness. I have been busy; I know it is vague, but it is true. I wouldn't have written this post but it is 5:30 am and I check my phone to see that I have an unread text that was sent at 23:36 from an acquaintance of mine wishing me a Happy New Year. Of course my initial reaction was that it is the middle of January so the year is no longer new, but after giving it some thought, I figured that what is new is relative. And thus I am waiting until when it will be a socially acceptable time to reply to the text. In the meantime, I have three options; to read Jostein Gaardner's Sophie's World, to watch back to back episodes of 90210 or to write a blog post. I go with the blog post, because it is 2014, and I haven't published anything yet. I have so many drafts that I am yet to publish because lately I have been extra cautious about what I publish online, so hopefully this one will get published.

So 2013 is over and I can't help but feel excited. For one, I am the type of person who gets super excited about new things, and a new year is no exception. Secondly, 2013 was a hard year for me, so when the curtains closed on it, I was on top of the world. I don't want to go to details but 2013 was a year that was full of faking smiles, pain that I totally refused to feel and had my time full of activities - I read, went to work and met with friends- all in effort to avoid feeling. But the thing with avoidance is that you reach a point where you can't do it anymore and that's when you have a breakdown. So 2013 was a cycle of avoidance and then a breakdown, and then being genuinely happy and then avoidance- you get the picture. Don't get me wrong, there were other things that 2013 brought with it, one being freedom. Freedom to be who I really I am and not apologizing about it, and the very vital financial freedom. 2013 was also the year that I got to build on my friendships and being a good person.

So with 2013 over and 2014 already here, I am excited about what the next 11 months have in store for me. This year, I take everyday as it comes and not waiting for a time when things will be better, because I realize that every now and then life begins again (yes, am quoting Breaking Benjamin). But here is a more serious quote that will guarantee that you have a kick ass year;

    Last year I abstained
    this year I devour
    without guilt
    which is also an art
      -Margaret Atwood

The title of this post is from the song Closing Time by Semisonic.