The title of this post is inspired by the song My Worst Fear by Rascal Flatts. Which reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week when she told me that I read too much into ordinary things. This was after I had given her the best advise ever, if I say so myself, based on an episode of The Mindy's Project. In my defense, I told her that I am just practising mindful living and this means finding depth in the most shallow of places or being inspired by the most mundane of things. But, I digress.
I read a blog post over the weekend about a woman's trepidation about being a fashion blogger, and one of her fears was that she might meet one of her readers in real life and they might tell her that she looks younger and better on her photos than in real life. But she is allowed to feel that way. I have read so many times that our emotions are real and we should allow ourselves to feel them. On that note, here are some of my fears in no particular order because I can't decide which is worse:
#1. I once got one of those forwarded emails about this young man who burnt to death after his bedding caught fire while he was watching a film on his laptop while lying in bed. For a whole week after reading that frightening email, I kept my laptop away from my bed, the couch, my laps, just anything that would catch fire. But that was impractical, so I went back to using my laptop on these places but I never fall asleep when using it, no matter how tired I am.
#2. Another forwarded email that scared me out of my wits and continues to cause me endless anxiety was about this woman who got second degree burns on her face after making her tea using the microwave. I don't remember what exactly caused her to burn but that was enough to keep me away from the microwave for a few days before my dislike for cooking surpassed this fear. Needless to say, I use it with so much trepidation and I always have my heart in my hand whenever there is a popping sound inside the microwave.
#3. This one is a relatively new fear. Ever since I learned about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in details in my Abnormal Psychology class last semester, I have been noticing these little symptoms that could only be diagnosed as a mild form of OCD. But these are things that I used to do in the past and thought of them as normal; like checking my money and phone whenever I board a matatu ( pick-pockets are real in Nairobi), or checking the door twice or thrice to see if I have locked it every time I am home alone. Whenever I catch myself doing these seemingly normal and routine tasks, I can't help but fear that I might be developing a mental disorder. And as if that is not enough, the professor emphasized on the fact that most mental disorders develop between the ages of 17 and 25. I shudder when I think about it.
#4. Another effect of taking Psychology at the university is that it made me babyphobic. This is crazy, I know, but ever since I did Psychology of Human Development, I find that babies scare me. Sitting through that three hour class every Friday afternoon for three whole months was pure torture as the lecturer enjoyed himself talking about every single thing that could go wrong during pregnancy and describing in minute details how painful labour really is. I endured that class and celebrated after I did my last paper. But these days when I see a baby I do not see as cute as a button little thing. Instead, I see a little creature that is capable of causing so much pain and even death.
#5. I don't remember exactly what I stole when I was a kid, I am sure it wasn't cake because I was allergic, but whatever it was, I swallowed wrong and I choked. I mean that type of choking that brings tears to your eyes and you feel like you can't breath. After that horrendous ordeal, I am always very careful when I eat, especially when I am alone. I am even learning to do first aid to myself, because every time I so much as cough while eating, I have this vivid memory of myself choking those many years ago, and that memory is disquieting.
#6. In China, those women who are not married by the age of twenty seven are called 'left-over' women. Okay, I am neither 27 nor do I live in China but I can't help but think that if I were, I would be a left-over woman. Hell, I think I will be one of those cat women, just without a cat. But, for some weird reason, this thought is not as scary as the other fears.
There are other major fears that I couldn't bring myself to write them down, but as I once wrote here, Lady Gaga's quote on shooting fear helps me in dealing with them. I also read a quote somewhere that fear is only an illusion, but love is real. I don't quite understand it but it'll do.
"All that ever holds somebody back, I think, is fear. For a minute I had fear. (Then) I went to the (dressing) room and shot my fear in the face..."
Lady Gaga
