I have always found silence disquieting. It makes me nervous and anxious. But I have never paused to explore that important aspect of my personality. Don't get it twisted, I am not a loud person. I hate noise. Any cacophony will quickly shift my equilibrium and throw me off balance. I am a firm believer that every moment of silence should be filled with music, with words. It is no surprise therefore that all my nocturnal engagements are always accompanied by music. I could never sit alone with my thoughts, so am always scrolling on my phone, internet meandering on my laptop and almost all the time, I find myself reading one thing or another.
With all my talk of desiring to be independent, it is now clear that I never even once factored in the question of silence which appears to be focal in getting to know myself. I was at my weekly yoga class last weekend and after a power yoga session, the instructor had us on the tree pose. While on this seemingly easy yet hard to maintain balance pose -which makes it one of my favourite poses- the instructor told us to just try and push a little more until we could feel that we've reached our limits, only then could we revel in the pain or discomfort, whichever, according to our perspectives. I was home alone that evening and I remembered that bit about pushing until I was out of my comfort zone. So I decided to turn off the music and stayed in the quiet silence that comes with the night.
It wasn't pretty. For the first few minutes I was tempted to check my phone for messages even though I knew no message had come. I looked at my bookshelf and was acutely aware of the books that I've bought but haven't yet read, then I looked at my laptop longingly. But the absence of the music that is always ever playing in the background was what threatened to kill me. Through all these, I tried to ask myself why is it that I find silence so eerily uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I am afraid of knowing myself on a deeper level. Maybe I am afraid that when I finally get to know myself I won't like what I am, or what I am not. But when all is said and done, this person that I am so afraid to meet is all I have.
Since that evening, I've noticed a shift in myself, the self that I know, that is. I won't say that am finally comfortable with silence, but am glad that I can push myself to stay with the discomfort. And somehow I have become more perceptive, more aware of what is around me, I listen more instead of always interrupting during a conversation, I notice the facial expressions of people, I am making eye contact with strangers, I have reduced my phone charges and most importantly am spending more time with myself, listening to myself through silence.
The title of this post is from the song Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles
