I've Closed Enough Windows to Know you can Never Look Back

It is the beginning of the year, that time when people make resolutions to change their lives. I think hate is a pretty strong word but I very much dislike beginnings. This strong dislike is probably because beginnings are usually preceded by anticipation which leads to expectations and when my expectations are not met then I get disappointed. Plant an expectation and you are sure to reap a disappointment, so the cliché goes. Having been perpetually disappointed, beginnings have become something that I don't look forward to, something that I dread. I prefer a seamless transition of things with no clearcut markings of the beginning or the ending. I like a continuous flow of events where one activity leads to another which leads to another which leads to... 

But beginnings and endings are inevitable, it is but the nature of things. The law of evolution, therefore, dictates that I have to adapt or be miserable. So I wonder, is it a little immature for me to hope for the wonderful gift of foresight this year? Is it wishful thinking to hope that the world will bend to my whims this year? Is it disengaging from reality to hope that my expectations (because God knows I can't help but have them) will be met?

I am good at introspection. Sitting at the end of each day to record my reflections. I always look back with 20-20 hindsight at the things that I did and what probably motivated my decisions or choices. Hindsight at the end of the year is at its best. I am unflinchingly honest with my reflections, because I am aware of how subjective memory is and so in an effort to be objective sometimes I berate myself for the things that I did. It is said that history always has a point of view,  and there is no exception with my past; I judge myself harshly, too harshly. I want something different this year. To look forward, to think long and hard before making life changing decisions in which future retrospection will reveal an evidence of good judgement. To have a future illuminated by foresight.

The title of this post is from the song Carry On by Fun.