Now that we've Found Love, what are we gonna Do with it?

Ever since God was a child (translation: I don't quite remember the exact time period), I have always been cautious about the goals and dreams that I expect life would grant me. We are always told that we should set our standards high, reach for the stars and have dreams so big that they scare us. And I, just like you dear reader, am all about that life. Always optimistic, reaching for those dreams that are sometimes (most times)  inevitably elusive. And so we work hard and emulously hope that we will in the (not) foreseeable future achieve our hearts' desires.

This question of dreams and goals and resolutions has been on my mind for quite some time now. I have even had dreams about dreams, which goes to show how important this is, or rather how this is taking over even my subconscious. And my main concern is, what do we do after we have achieved our dreams? On the other hand, what do we do when our childhood dreams meet the grim realities of adulthood? And if we are lucky enough to achieve our dreams, what happens if we don't feel like we expected to feel?

It's the same thing with love - romantic love. We are always searching for that special someone that we will spend forever with. We are made to constantly feel like unfulfilled failures if we haven't found love, because apparently love is the most amazing thing anyone can have, the ultimate dream. And for those who have that comfortable-we-are-good-together kind of love are told that comfort is not enough, all we need is that head over heels, can't live without you and I will catch a grenade for you kind of love that brings goose bumps all over and makes the knees weak whenever you see your object of your affection. And that's where my question lies, after you have found this kind of love, what next? Because you can stare at your love's eyes and get lost in them for only so long before you see something else that will demand your attention. You can also get lost and lose track of time when in the company of your beloved, and in the mean time, the world does what it always does best, it goes on, unaware and indifferent to your finding love.

And so right now while still floundering in a sea of failed relationships, I can't help but wonder what I'll do with love once I find it.

The title of this post is from the song Now That We Found Love by Heavy D and the Boyz featuring Aaron Hall.

It's 2 Am and I am Still Awake

I made a conscious decision (yesterday) at 2300hrs to go to sleep. But I had a journal to write, a phone call to make and a couple of texts to reply which turned to several. An hour later and I was done with everything, so I could finally sleep, except that I couldn't. I didn't know that I would ever say this, but I wished that I had an exam tomorrow (today) because my mind was so alert I could understand astrophysics if I tried to. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes and tried  to sleep.

It's now two hours later and I have given up on sleep, you can only pretend for so long. I decided to wake up and read. But my mind has refused. So I am far too tired of counting sheep, but not tired enough to fall asleep. When everything fails, what does an insomniac do at 2 am?

I try to think about Kenya, and how maybe, just maybe I could come up with a solution to bad governance and corruption. I fail miserably. I tell myself that maybe that's too big a thought for 2 in the morning. So I decide that maybe thinking about my dreams- my dream job, house, partner and a dog ( I am not a dog person). But that's the picture of a perfect family and I force my mind to conjure up that image. But that is also an exercise in futility. Because no insomniac thinks about bad governance or hopes and dreams at 2 in the freaking morning.

All we do is think about the past. The mistakes that we made that are still haunting us. Hindsight is at its best, and we see that the worst mistakes we ever did were out of love. In retrospect, we analyze what we should have done differently, what we could have said or not said. We regret not doing certain things. We entertain thoughts that we've always kept in the dark recesses of our minds, those thoughts that we dare not tell anyone, yet they are the ones that make us truly happy. We relieve the happiest moments of our lives and wish we could have them back.

At 2 am, we think about our past romantic relationships. The texts that we didn't reply. The phone calls that we didn't make. The lies that we told. The secrets that we shared. We think about the wrong people that we fell for. We regret not having walked away sooner. We also remember the good souls that we hurt with our words, the time that we didn't give them yet they loved us to death.

At 2 am, we think about ourselves, we feel guilty, we laugh at our mistakes and sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep.

The title of this post is from the song Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

This post is 19 days late, but I have an explantation for my lateness. I have been busy; I know it is vague, but it is true. I wouldn't have written this post but it is 5:30 am and I check my phone to see that I have an unread text that was sent at 23:36 from an acquaintance of mine wishing me a Happy New Year. Of course my initial reaction was that it is the middle of January so the year is no longer new, but after giving it some thought, I figured that what is new is relative. And thus I am waiting until when it will be a socially acceptable time to reply to the text. In the meantime, I have three options; to read Jostein Gaardner's Sophie's World, to watch back to back episodes of 90210 or to write a blog post. I go with the blog post, because it is 2014, and I haven't published anything yet. I have so many drafts that I am yet to publish because lately I have been extra cautious about what I publish online, so hopefully this one will get published.

So 2013 is over and I can't help but feel excited. For one, I am the type of person who gets super excited about new things, and a new year is no exception. Secondly, 2013 was a hard year for me, so when the curtains closed on it, I was on top of the world. I don't want to go to details but 2013 was a year that was full of faking smiles, pain that I totally refused to feel and had my time full of activities - I read, went to work and met with friends- all in effort to avoid feeling. But the thing with avoidance is that you reach a point where you can't do it anymore and that's when you have a breakdown. So 2013 was a cycle of avoidance and then a breakdown, and then being genuinely happy and then avoidance- you get the picture. Don't get me wrong, there were other things that 2013 brought with it, one being freedom. Freedom to be who I really I am and not apologizing about it, and the very vital financial freedom. 2013 was also the year that I got to build on my friendships and being a good person.

So with 2013 over and 2014 already here, I am excited about what the next 11 months have in store for me. This year, I take everyday as it comes and not waiting for a time when things will be better, because I realize that every now and then life begins again (yes, am quoting Breaking Benjamin). But here is a more serious quote that will guarantee that you have a kick ass year;

    Last year I abstained
    this year I devour
    without guilt
    which is also an art
      -Margaret Atwood

The title of this post is from the song Closing Time by Semisonic.

Get into My Ear: Red by Taylor Swift

Watch "Taylor Swift - Red" on YouTube

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was obsessed with the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisely. I asked him why he really liked the song and he confessed that it was his break up song. I fully understand that break ups are hard, whether it was a long time coming, or you were caught by surprise, a break up is a break up, and it still hurts like hell. Which is why, after some time (okay, a long time) after I broke up with my significant other, I find myself putting Red on repeat.

Whether you like Taylor Swift or not, you will agree with me that all her songs are relatable. And Red is no exception.

Favourite Lyrics:

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favourite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword puzzle and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes,
Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head, burning red
Loving him was red.

I don't believe that I am still hung up on my ex, but there is something about this song; it slowly grows on you and before you know it, you know all the lyrics and it just can't go away. You tell yourself that you have to listen to it just one more time.

Idiosyncratic Hedonist Turns One

Once upon a year ago, I was sitting in a Personality Psychology class on a Thursday afternoon. I had taken up a writing job and was a little behind on completing a 10 page assignment so I had to work on it during my lunch hour if I was to meet the deadline. By the time I was done, I was one hour late for my class, and being one not to miss any of my classes, I went for this one and sat at the back of the class. I had wanted to start a blog for quite some time and had come up with several names including; Off-kilter, Lone ranger, Effant terrible, Outlandish among many others that just didn't feel quite right. During this class, the lecturer was busy teaching about Freud and his psychosexual explanation of personality. Having studied Sigmund Freud in other units, I was grateful that I wasn't really floating. Out of nowhere, she digressed and started talking about bipolar disorder, and how bipolar patients do what they want. And she explained their behaviour as hedonistic. And that was it. I had gotten the name of my blog from such an unlikely source. It is not that I am bipolar, but I think I tend to do things for the simple reason that it feels right. The idiosyncratic part is because everyone thinks they are weird in some way or the other, and it is normal to be weird.

I was super excited that day because finally what was an idea was going to materialize into reality. After the class I was tempted to skive my Quantitative Analysis class and start my blog, but decided against it. Throughout the class I kept checking the clock and wondering when 8:30 would reach so I could start this thing already. Anyway, that day the universe was set on derailing me because it rained heavily and the traffic was out of this world. It usually took me 30 minutes from Madaraka to town and that day it took me an hour. So getting home was a problem. To cut the long story short, I arrived home at 11. I was tired and had lots of things to do. At around half past midnight, the excitement on starting the blog had died. And now I was torn between doing my homework or doing research for my writing assignment. I went with the homework but when I was done, I couldn't sleep so decided to get done with the blog thing. And that's how Idiosyncratic Hedonist came into existence. People usually ask how I came up with such a name and so I hope I have explained.

Anyway, when I started this, I was so busy even during the weekends that even sleeping felt like work. So this was a place where I could write about anything and everything to get my mind off work and school. My posting was not consistent because of lack of time but this place was sort of special. Because Idiosyncratic Hedonist is me. What I post here is 100% true. One year is what this has been, I can't believe how time flies. And because I don't tell people when its my birthday, I think it is only fair for people to know that Idiosyncratic Hedonist has turned one.

What Will be in your Mix Tape?

I am currently reading Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. This is the second book by Picoult that I am reading and I gotta say that I love her style and she is a wonderful story teller. Have you ever, when reading, paused and wondered how the author came to know you so well because the characters are so authentic? Jodi Picoult makes me stop to really appreciate her, so you bet all her books are on my to-be-read list. Plus I voted for her book in the Goodreads awards, even though I haven't read the book yet, but I am sure it won't disappoint me once I read it. I know I say this about all the books that I read, but Jodi Picoult makes me stay up all night because I find it hard to put her books down.

So in Sing You Home, Zoe, who is a music therapist says that you get to know someone on the basis of what songs they put in their mixed tape to describe their lives. Her ex husband Max used to like country music and his favourites were mainly about lost love or the woman leaving the man and such like stuff. In the end, Max files for divorce. I am not trying to be superstitious or anything, but I think that Zoe should have seen this coming, that was one clear red flag.

I have done a little Psychology in school and I believe this to be true, the little things we do are a manifestation of our unconscious and subconscious trying to appear on the surface. A friend of mine told me the other day that his favourite song at this time is Whiskey Lullaby and after reading  Sing You Home, I am wondering, should I have reason to worry about him.

Anyway, sometimes I do something and someone will say something like they didn't think I am one to do things 'like that'. I have come up with a list of artists who would feature in my mix tape, so that those who don't know me, may see beyond the gray. Just like Vannessa, I couldn't choose any particular songs, but you will get an idea of who I really am.

Lady Gaga- This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I can't help but love all Gaga's songs; from Judas to Bloody Mary, from Bad Romance to Stuck on Fucking You and from Born This Way to Applause.

Dido- I was still in high school when I first heard White Flag. I looked for her whole album and I couldn't convince any of my friends to listen to her, they said her songs are slow and melancholy. But I don't care, I love Dido.

Breaking Benjamin- There is something about this guys that is out of this world. They sing with so much emotion. Give Me a Sign in particular saw me through a very difficult period in my life.

Florence and the Machine- I love Florence Welch. Whatever she sings is bound to be a favourite of mine. Shake it Out, Never Let Me Go, Cosmic Love, Dog Days are Over you name them.

Snow Patrol- There is something about this band that is extra ordinary. Plus I think Chasing Cars is the best love song ever written.

Mettalica- Mettalica will always be a favourite of mine. Their collaboration with Lou Reed made me love them even more.

Anna Nalick- There is a line in 2 am that says 'These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to'.

If I continue to describe each artist I will never finish. So here are more of those who will not miss in that mix tape; Lana Del Rey, Tracy Chapman, Within Temptation, Indigo Girls,Pink, The Script, Bon Jovi, The Beatles, The Cranberries, Counting Crows, Lacuna Coil, Demi Lovato, Mylie Cyrus, Nina Sky, Chevelle, Hunter Hayes, Linking Park, Radiohead, HIM, The National and Joan Jett.

Telling Stories

The initial title of this post was 'The Stories We Tell' but I later changed it to the current one because I was listening to Tracy Chapman while typing and when Telling Stories came on, I decided to publish a post in her honour because she is awesome like that. Anyway, I started reading The Way Life Should Be by Christina Baker Kline this morning while taking breakfast. I am still on the first few chapters but I love the book already. I love characters like Angela who make me feel like if they were real, we would totally be bffs because we have so many things in common. I read somewhere, I forget where, that you know its real platonic love when you are having a conversation with a prospective friend when she says something and you exclaim, 'Me too!' and when you pee together. Okay, that peeing part is a little creepy.

Anyway, the moment I met Angela, which was on the first page, I could totally see us peeing together. I was like, 'Oh My God, why are you fictitious coz I can see us having brunch on Sundays and catching up over drinks after work, or having lunch together ( maybe she is one of the ladies who lunch, I am not sure yet, but I will find out soon coz I have a late night date with her for the next two nights).

This instant connection was further enhanced when she decided to call the guy from Maine and in her head she already had the story she would tell her grandchildren four decades later on how grandma and grandpa met. This idea of creating stories for you to tell them later is what made me think that Angela and I are similar. But unlike her, my stories are for a wholly different reason. I tell myself that maybe I should attend event 'x' so that I have a story to tell my friends when we next meet. I tell myself to read one more book so that when I meet someone new, we just might get a common ground to start story telling. I tell myself that I should create time and watch that new film or tv series, so that I have something to contribute when we start talking about what's new on tv. And I get to tell these stories; my lunch dates go from 1pm to 7 in the evening! I always say that I will marry the person whom I can to talk to the whole night till 9 am.

I live for stories. I live through the books that I read. And each day is an opportunity to create a new story. It is therefore up to us to choose the type of story we want. We may choose to have a cliche story that will bore you to tears or you may choose to create stories where you as the main character will embrace your idiosyncracies and live hedonistically without guilt. And to me that's one story that I would love to tell on my death bed.