Telling Stories

The initial title of this post was 'The Stories We Tell' but I later changed it to the current one because I was listening to Tracy Chapman while typing and when Telling Stories came on, I decided to publish a post in her honour because she is awesome like that. Anyway, I started reading The Way Life Should Be by Christina Baker Kline this morning while taking breakfast. I am still on the first few chapters but I love the book already. I love characters like Angela who make me feel like if they were real, we would totally be bffs because we have so many things in common. I read somewhere, I forget where, that you know its real platonic love when you are having a conversation with a prospective friend when she says something and you exclaim, 'Me too!' and when you pee together. Okay, that peeing part is a little creepy.

Anyway, the moment I met Angela, which was on the first page, I could totally see us peeing together. I was like, 'Oh My God, why are you fictitious coz I can see us having brunch on Sundays and catching up over drinks after work, or having lunch together ( maybe she is one of the ladies who lunch, I am not sure yet, but I will find out soon coz I have a late night date with her for the next two nights).

This instant connection was further enhanced when she decided to call the guy from Maine and in her head she already had the story she would tell her grandchildren four decades later on how grandma and grandpa met. This idea of creating stories for you to tell them later is what made me think that Angela and I are similar. But unlike her, my stories are for a wholly different reason. I tell myself that maybe I should attend event 'x' so that I have a story to tell my friends when we next meet. I tell myself to read one more book so that when I meet someone new, we just might get a common ground to start story telling. I tell myself that I should create time and watch that new film or tv series, so that I have something to contribute when we start talking about what's new on tv. And I get to tell these stories; my lunch dates go from 1pm to 7 in the evening! I always say that I will marry the person whom I can to talk to the whole night till 9 am.

I live for stories. I live through the books that I read. And each day is an opportunity to create a new story. It is therefore up to us to choose the type of story we want. We may choose to have a cliche story that will bore you to tears or you may choose to create stories where you as the main character will embrace your idiosyncracies and live hedonistically without guilt. And to me that's one story that I would love to tell on my death bed.

Get Into My Ear: Royals by Lorde

Watch "LORDE - Royals" on
YouTube

Maybe its because everyone loves a woman who can rap; or maybe (I know I say this a lot) the lyrics are about me, but for whatever reason, I like, no scratch that, love this song.

For someone so young, Lorde has incredible talent and her voice is to die for. I love her. I mean, in my book, she is almost close to Lady Gaga on the women I love.

Anyway, these are the lyrics I like, I almost wrote the whole song!

We don't care, we're driving cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody is like crystal, maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

We are bigger than we ever dreamed
And I am in love with being queen

And we'll never be royals
It don't run in our blood
That kind of luxe just ain't for us
We crave a different kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule
Let me live that fantasy.

My Worst Fears

The title of this post is inspired by the song My Worst Fear by Rascal Flatts. Which reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week when she told me that I read too much into ordinary things. This was after I had given her the best advise ever, if I say so myself, based on an episode of The Mindy's Project. In my defense, I told her that I am just practising mindful living and this means finding depth in the most shallow of places or being inspired by the most mundane of things. But, I digress.

I read a blog post over the weekend about a woman's trepidation about being a fashion blogger, and one of her fears was that she might meet one of her readers in real life and they might tell her that she looks younger and better on her photos than in real life. But she is allowed to feel that way. I have read so many times that our emotions are real and we should allow ourselves to feel them. On that note, here are some of my fears in no particular order because I can't decide which is worse:

#1. I once got one of those forwarded emails about this young man who burnt to death after his bedding caught fire while he was watching a film on his laptop while lying in bed. For a whole week after reading that frightening email, I kept my laptop away from my bed, the couch, my laps, just anything that would catch fire. But that was impractical, so I went back to using my laptop on these places but I never fall asleep when using it, no matter how tired I am.

#2. Another forwarded email that scared me out of my wits and continues to cause me endless anxiety was about this woman who got second degree burns on her face after making her tea using the microwave. I don't remember what exactly caused her to burn but that was enough to keep me away from the microwave for a few days before my dislike for cooking surpassed this fear. Needless to say, I use it with so much trepidation and I always have my heart in my hand whenever there is a popping sound inside the microwave.

#3. This one is a relatively new fear. Ever since I learned about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in details in my Abnormal Psychology class last semester, I have been noticing these little symptoms that could only be diagnosed as a mild form of OCD. But these are things that I used to do in the past and thought of them as normal; like checking my money and phone whenever I board a matatu ( pick-pockets are real in Nairobi), or checking the door twice or thrice to see if I have locked it every time I am home alone. Whenever I catch myself doing these seemingly normal and routine tasks, I can't help but fear that I might be developing a mental disorder. And as if that is not enough, the professor emphasized on the fact that most mental disorders develop between the ages of 17 and 25. I shudder when I think about it.

#4. Another effect of taking Psychology at the university is that it made me babyphobic. This is crazy, I know, but ever since I did Psychology of Human Development, I find that babies scare me. Sitting through that three hour class every Friday afternoon for three whole months was pure torture as the lecturer enjoyed himself talking about every single thing that could go wrong during pregnancy  and describing in minute details how painful labour really is. I endured that class and celebrated after I did my last paper. But these days when I see a baby I do not see as cute as a button little thing. Instead, I see a little creature that is capable of causing so much pain and even death.

#5. I don't remember exactly what I stole when I was a kid, I am sure it wasn't cake because I was allergic, but whatever it was, I swallowed wrong and I choked. I mean that type of choking that brings tears to your eyes and you feel like you can't breath. After that horrendous ordeal, I am always very careful when I eat, especially when I am alone. I am even learning to do first aid to myself, because every time I so much as cough while eating, I have this vivid memory of myself choking those many years ago, and that memory is disquieting.

#6. In China, those women who are not married by the age of twenty seven are called 'left-over' women. Okay, I am neither 27 nor do I live in China but I can't help but think that if I were, I would be a left-over woman. Hell, I think I will be one of those cat women, just without a cat. But, for some weird reason, this thought is not as scary as the other fears.

There are other major fears that I couldn't bring myself to write them down, but as I once wrote here, Lady Gaga's quote on shooting fear helps me in dealing with them. I also read a quote somewhere that fear is only an illusion, but love is real. I don't quite understand it but it'll do.

"All that ever holds somebody back, I think, is fear. For a minute I had fear. (Then) I went to the (dressing) room and shot my fear in the face..."
Lady Gaga

Letting Go and Grabbing Hold

My views on love usually vary depending on how well my life is going at the time. At this point, I do feel like I need to explain that this does not mean whether am in a romantic relationship or not; because I have been single for a long time now. A few weeks ago, I didn't believe in love. I was so cynical about it and a little if not very skeptical of marriage. I had many arguments with my friends on this issue, and I being the opinionated bitch that I am, refused to see the other people's point of view. The fact that I held the exact same views with them some time back did not matter.

Then I read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd and my views changed. I loved August Boatwright's take on life, her kindness, her wisdom and everything that she is. In fact, I would love to have half the knowledge she has when I grow up. While talking to Lily one day, she asked her what she loves. Lily went on explaining how she loves writing, the colour blue, Rosaleen, bees, honey and peanuts with her Coke. August told her then that there are 32 words for love in one of the Eskimo languages ( I am yet to ascertain the validity of that, for my own benefit and for you as well dear reader; I am sorry I am a lazy ass blogger). She said that English is so limited, Lily had to use the same word for loving Rosaleen as she does for loving Coke with peanuts. This limitation, I assume, is because English as a language gives the word love a high level of importance.

The same day I finished reading the book, I read a blog post where the writer had written a letter to her future significant other telling them that she had already found love in little things like washing dishes, doing yoga on a sandy beach and the most important the love of the Universe. All she was waiting for was the person to appear, and if they didn't, she already had love.

After reading that, I had what is called a light bulb moment. This year has been a little hard for me, I have been going through some issues, and reading the blog post helped a bit. One of the issues was love, again I need to clarify that I am not talking about romantic love. I decided that I had to look at love in a new light. For someone who has the name 'beloved' permanently tattooed on her body, this had to be done sooner rather than later. And that's exactly what I did. I let go of my cynicism about love, I let go of the idea that there is a type of love that is superior than others. Instead, I held on to the fact that indeed there is a thing called love, which is very important for us humans if we are to grow and develop spiritually. I even made a list of the things I love, (I love lists). So here are some of the things I love:

1. My parents and siblings
2. Strong black coffee ( I take close to six cups a day)
3. Diet Coke
4. My tattoo
5. Nail polish
6. Books
7. Orange is the New Black ( I can't wait for the next season)
8. Rock music
9. Scents; perfumes, scented lotion, scented candles
10. Reading, did I mention I love books?

Get Into My Ear: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

Watch "Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [Official Music Video]" on YouTube

There are certain things in life that we don't need the opinion of other people to do or not to. I think that's the best advice I've ever had. So I guess it is safe to say that this song changed my life. That was a few years ago when I first started listening to metal ( best decision ever).

And now, I find myself having this song on repeat for two reasons:
1. As I interact with more and more people, I meet people who don't share my point of view and others may try to change me;
2. I have started having an interest in poetry ( typical of a Gemini) and for the life of me, I don't understand why the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley reminds me of this song.

Favourite Lyrics

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

The whole song actually speaks to me. This is one of those songs that feels new each and every time I listen to it.

My July Play List

It is only the fifth of July but during this past week, I've had the following songs on repeat, and I assume it will be the same for this whole month.

1. (Breathe) 2 AM by Anna Nalick
Cause you can't jump the track, we are like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe...just breathe

2. People Like Us by Kelly Clarkson
Hey, this is not a funeral
It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage

3. I want Crazy by Hunter Hayes
But I don't want good and I don't want good enough
I want can't sleep, can't breath without you love

4. Carry On by Fun
Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

5. 22 by Taylor Swift
We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
Its miserable and magical, oh yeah

6. Sweater Weather by Neighbourhood
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds

7. Heaven Nor Hell by Volbeat
Well I've heard that the devil is walking around
I sold my soul way down in the dirt
But I stole it back and forever in debt

8. Let Her Go by Passenger
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
Coz dreams come slow and they go fast

9. Heart Attack by Demi Lovato
The feelings are lost in my lungs
They're burning I'd rather be numb
And there's no one else to blame
So scared I take off in a run
And flying too close to the sun
And bursting to flames

10. Here's To Never Growing Up by Avril Lavigne
When the sun's going down we'll be raising our cups
Singing here's to never growing up

Get Into My Ear: Carry On By Fun

Watch "Fun.: Carry On [OFFICIAL VIDEO]" on YouTube

Whenever this song comes on radio, I stop whatever I am doing and sing along to it. It is a slow song so dancing to it is almost impossible. But then again it wasn't meant to be a club song. This is an emotional song that speaks to me each and every time I listen to it.

I totally relate to this song so much that I almost feel as if it was specifically sang for me. These are words that were taken right out of my mouth, only that they were said far much better than I would have.

Favourite Lyrics

Though I have never been through hell like that, I have closed enough windows to know you can never look back.

But I like to think I can cheat at all, to make up for the times I have been cheated on. And it's nice to know, when I was left for dead, I was found and now I don't roam the streets, I am not the ghost you are to me.

This is the soundtrack of my life right now.